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Feedback – real feedback – is probably the most difficult tool in
the whole area of communication. This is especially true for emotionally charged
conflict situations.
Sometimes though, it is helpful to show the conflict partner the effect of his
“unfairness” and to diminish his “blind spot”. Statements such as: “I
did not mean it this way” or “I didn´t even realize that he will take it
that personally” can also be heard from “tough guys”.
But: “You are so aggressive” or “You are not responding to me” is no
feedback. These statements are accusations, which the other person is certainly
going to counter or justify: Therefore, it is important to follow a few feedback
rules to secure the feedback´s effect:
 | Feedback is a concept of behaviour, not of personal traits. Forget
about phrasings such as “You are… (conceited, arrogant, desinterested,
etc.). Use perceptions of behaviour: “You do…” or “You
act…”
| Give feedback as promptly as possible: “I just noticed that
you…”
| Absolutely avoid generalizations such as “One can tell that
you…” or “Everybody knows that…” Stay subjective, give
I-messages!
| Try the following formula:
www.feedback.de (only makes sense in German)
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Wahrnehmung
(perception)
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"I noticed that you did not even look at my project
sketches” |
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Wirkung
(emotions)
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"Of course, I am angry about that, because I have spent a
lot of time on it and I´m sure that the sketches are going to convince
you” |
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Wunsch
(suggestion)
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"I am asking you to look at the sketches and include them
in your decision. I would be happy to explain the details to you.” |
Advice for receiving and "standing" feedback:
| rule #1: “Shut up”. Absolutely avoid justifications,
explanations etc. You have heard “only” the other person´s view, no
objective truths. |
| Helpful attitude: “Thank you for this open information. I am
going to think about it. But I´m not here for being exactly like you would
like me to be!” |
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